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Friday, April 23rd, 2004
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12:00 am
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Apparently 10 times more people suffer from major depression now than in 1945. Perhaps I am jumping to conclusions here, but I think our western culture is partly to blame here.
I think this could be due to reasons such as:
*Increased materialism
*Our obsession with perfection
*The idea that life must be perfect, happiness is the be all and end all.
Do I have anything to back this up? Of course not! These are just some purely biased thoughts running through my head.
I was privileged enough to be the social reject in primary school and high /school, basically all my life.
I did not mean for the word "privileged" to sound sarcastic, I can see how this was a gift to me, because as all of (or at least some of) the outsiders know, it gave me the ability to see things from another perspective and perhaps develop an understanding of culture the people around me, that would take others longer to develop.
Anyway what I saw when I looked around were people whom were desperate to conform to the norm even if it meant they had to sacrifice being true to themselves. Not doing the simple things that they may have enjoyed because they were a bit dorky or silly. We all know the scene partying, dressing like there friends. Rarely stopping for a minute to question the world around them or reflect on what was important to THEM not just their collective group of friends who decided what was to be thought.
After I left high school all my ranting about the above felt like a memory and I felt worried. I did not feel strongly about anything. I felt as if I had lost all direction.
I have slowly seen myself go against what I believed in, I dreamed of making money, being more confident, getting perfect results out of EVERYTHING I did. If I could just get better marks, if I could just should a little bit intelligent (near impossible for me) If I could....
Now I remember what I once knew so well. Once you start striving for what the majority deem as perfection or brand as happiness you can sacrifice the very things that make you who you are and make you happy.
We all set these ridiculously high standards for ourselves.
As a society we are so obsessed with perfection, happiness is the Holy Grail. It's almost as if sometimes we expect everything to come so easy. We don't want to accept struggle, hardship or hard times because that is just not glamorous.
But the hard stuff is what gives us character, its what gives us wisdom. So why do we have to deny it exists. Few quick fix solutions to thing work.
We are so obsessed with the facade. No wonder I sometimes I feel as if everything seems so easy for everyone else and I am alone in hardship. I know it’s not true, but it’s easier to think that everyone else leads a perfect life.
What’s behind the facade is so much more interesting.
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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12:45 am
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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12:23 pm - am I the only one?
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SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I have done almost 0 work this holidays, I am so fucked!
I want to throw the TV out the window.
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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9:09 pm
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I am in a happy go-lucky mood right now.
I have all these assignments that I am never going to finsih but I am supprisingly unaffected by this. I am over designing toilet paper ESPECIALLY when the target market is coservative middle class women with no taste (EG: the ones that think dolphins are a great decorative motif).
I am going to try and reaply for uni for next year, I have decided that one day I wan't to study art history, so that I can teach it. I can be an eccentric art teacher than rants and rambels. I love eccentric teachers. We only have one at enmore, our typeography teacher. I like his rants and his irish accent. All the other teachers are pretty ordinary. eg: our drawing teacher, you would think with him being an artist himself he would be a bit less likeable and more interesting.
I used to take a drawing class outside school and I had this teacher anthony he was wonderful. He looked a bit like salvador dali and he would always tell us unusual storys.
Mum and I wen't shopping where I bought more pink wool. It's the nciest shade of pink. I think light pink and come to think of it light colours in general go really nicley with black hair (although I am sick of having black hair and I miss it blonde). I have been knitting. I need to get better at it because knitting scalves all the time is getting dull.
I LOVE barretts, they have been my trademark acessory for years. Since I bought a black one while I was at a jazz festival with Ben. We saw two awesome swing bands on that day. There was a blues brothers tribute band that were mad also.
Its my biggest dream to be able to crochet barrets, how fucking cool would that be?
sam a.k.a: Sam the man from tafe called me. He puts me in a good mood. I love his laugh. He was arranging this get together in the city on friday, I said I would go.
It also put me in a good mood to see jo again. We played "my scene" together haha my little niece is a big fan and she showed us the site.
I am trying to stop myself from sounding like a cynical old fart but I cannot so here goes: This whole tween movement is just crazy. 10 year olds wan't to behave like teens before they have even experienced chilhood. At 10 years of age I was climbing trees and picking mullberrys I am NOT kidding you. I was such a little hippy! Boys and clothing were the last things on my mind. I was a clog and gumboot girl.
You people have to see these MY scene dolls!
And you all probably thought barbie was the most fucked up/warped representation of the female face and form. Well these my scene dolls take "perfection" to the extreame.
Picture a girl with Calista Flokarts body, micheal jacksons nose (or lack there of) and Laura flyn boyals collagen injected lips and you pretty much have the My scene look.
The guys are hillarious looking, one has A MULLET I am not sure if that works I mean If I was a superfical a preppy My Scene girl (hard to imagine I KNOW) and my boyfriend sported a mullet, I would dumb him for sneack in his bedroom and cut if off while he was sleeping. Another one of the guys has a soul pacths and he looks like he would be a leader at a chirsten youth group.
Anyway to sum up my ridiculous rambel that had no point and went nowhere let me say this: Little girls these days are looking with anticipation to there teen years of partying and boys. This is ironic because when I was a teen I was trying my best to avoid the whole teen for lack of a better world "scene" (partys, getting drunk, worrying about fitting in).
I have not had many realationships/boyfriends in my time, But I am pretty bloody lucky, most people try there whole life to form the perfect realtionship with someone they REALLY click with, and was just given to me. I am more lucky than I think.
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3:05 am - we are looking for blues clues-WOA
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Random fact you did not need to know about me: Ironically I am different because I am one of the few 19 year olds that don't have anything pierced.
Not that I am having a go at people with piercings: they are nice, I just find it amusing that not its now more of a statement to NOT have any ( Diffrent )
My inability to make decisions makes me feel a little like this...
Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on things. Dork pride :).
Speacking of dorkyness:
ex-blues clues guy steve
Before:
After:
YIKEES Thumbs down to his non-blues clues look… Not cute anymore! How can someone who was so cute look so bad? (and just by sporting the Daves look)
( Edit: (just in) )
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| Saturday, April 17th, 2004
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3:21 pm
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My diet went out the window, which doesn't seem to bother me. I sincerely hope no one is going to go crazy at me and post saying I am being ridiculous and that I shouldn't be so concerned with superficial things or that I am not over weight. I know I am medium sized: I really just started the diet for a stupid reason that is almost completely unrelated to looks or anything like that.
I just wanted to be preoccupied with something as trivial as my weight so that I could forget about how stressed and depressed I am about the decisions I have made and other difficulties I am facing.
Good one Kath! Creating a new problem to overshadow old ones!
I don't even know how I came to the conclusion that I DONT like what I am doing and that I want to go to uni, but somehow I am buying it.
Ben says that no matter what I choose to do I would have regretted my decision or idealised my other options. He knows me so well. I have thought about him a lot today. I felt the urge to call him, but I won't I am too needy.
Especially emotionally, I drain people out with how I act. We go so well together though, He likes to care for me and listen. It seems so selfless, to avoid troubling other people with your problems. To NOT want to.
I find it hard not to share my problems with those I care about. I have been trying my best to keep it all inside.
Is it related to gender? Is it sometimes a male thing to just deal with it on your own and keep it inside? I don't know how it’s done.
Every time I go to start my assements I go into a frenzy and start thinking about all the things I have done wrong, how much difficulty I am having, how I should NOT be having difficulty, how I am NEVER going to finish it all, all the things I have already done wrong, how I am going to do it wrong, all of the problems I am going to face...
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| Friday, April 16th, 2004
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5:59 pm
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I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more, no less.
Ask me anything you want.
Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything."
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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6:48 pm
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My Internet and phone are finally working again!
I went on the train today in an attempt to start one of my many assessment tasks. The trains seemed to be very rickety and unsafe. Can you just imagine if something happened? "Unfortunately passengers have died. cityrail apologises for any inconvenience". Ben is the most wonderful witty person in the world. He said he has discovered that the collective noun for train is a DELAY of trains.
Jo is back in Sydney and I couldn’t contact her. I wish I could have seen her or done something with her at some stage. Our phones are actually working again so perhaps I can contact her.
Ben has been very sweet to me. I have been very hard to tolerate as of late.
I have been so negative lately. I can't seem to think straight or compose my thoughts anymore.
I used to be this quirky character. I used to stand for something! I never used to compromise. I was so sure of who I was.
Now I am a no one. I am a pathetic little cliché', being depressed lost any ironic appeal at about 13, but I can’t seem to fight it.
I feel like going out and exercising. It seems to make me feel better. I don't want to numb my feelings of emptiness via TV like 99% of the population do. It's too dark outside now though.
I can see I am being ridiculous. Like an obsessive compulsive knows they are being ridiculous, the reason disappears when it is time to repeat the behaviours.
I know I am young I have the best years ahead of me. I don't know why I have to feel this way. I expected too much of this year. I think I expected to enjoy what I was doing, have no problems with what I am doing and above all else: KNOW that what I am doing is what I WAN'T to do.
I feel as if I am old before my time. I feel like mentally I have been on a journey, learnt some lessons and then come back from the unprogressively stupid place I started from.
Sometimes things just don't feel right, but I'm not sure if that is for a specific reason. Its like when one side of the room seems grim, and changing seats lifts your mood. You don't know why it changes things but it does.
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| Friday, April 9th, 2004
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3:27 pm - Have you heard my story?
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She says:
“Look away from the sun the pixels are calling you. The day is too beautiful to waste. The sky is the exact shade you asked for”.
The two men walked in opposite directions after having a huge disagreement. Set in there ways they walked to separate paths, one man took his time on the journey while the other man rushed madly.
When they arrived at there different destinations they both felt at home due to the same hypnotic glow of their TV screens.
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| Sunday, April 4th, 2004
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5:23 pm - I have almost finished my HW horray!
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Just in case you didn't know already: I LOVE THE JOHN BUTLER TRIO.
I am glad the rest of the country are finally following suit.
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2:23 pm - cause your my left footed girl
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eeep I lost the studio practice brief, which means I am so stuffed tomorrow because the logos I had to design are due and I have NO freaking clue how we are meant to present them :S. shit shit shit!
I am listening to the mad caddies while reflecting on how uneventful my life has been, this makes me so happy because I haven’t listened to them in ageees
Everyone should listen to monkeys or mary melody right now, they would be more fulfilled. hah.
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12:48 pm
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AHHH I can't stop procrastinating!
10 9 8 7 6...........
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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7:29 pm - miss socially inept
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Sometimes it's all so dull, I have to try and remember who I am.
I discovered something really lovely. Apparently being weird is STILL considered bad. As is saying random things that has no relevance to anything else. Randomness, is not tolerated but that’s where a good conversations starts.
No part of me is acceptable or accessible.
Weirdness is only socially acceptable when the person is catergorising himself or herself.
No wonder I still have trouble talking to people. I can't think of anything “appropriate” to say.
I am having so much trouble with this course and I can officially say I am the only one. Once an idiotic dork… Always an idiotic dork. At least I have a badge to wear now.
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| Saturday, March 27th, 2004
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4:14 pm
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The fortune cookie I had today read: "You are demonstrative with those you love"
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12:47 pm - He's just a stereotype
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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11:45 pm
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Design is not me. I don't communicate on ANY level in a straightforward manner, so why do I think I can do it well/easily visually.
I don't relate to the people around me. I don't like how limiting conversation is.
I think I am the only person my age who is not able to fucking socialise with people. I thought that was in my past. I am a weak shy person.
Everything I do is wrong.
I offend people without meaning to. I don't understand what the fuck the teacher means. When I ask for an explanation I end up more confused. I am a hopeless case. Design is not ambiguios.It's either right or wrong. I can never tell.
It's time to sleep. A big good night to all you lovely people out there.
I have exposed myself to you all. You perfect people with your skills, your wit, your looks, your tact, your friends, your social lives and your intelligence. Perfect lives. A hello from the other side.
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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12:14 am
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some asshole smashed one of our windows...how nice!
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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5:58 pm
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I am the worlds biggest clothing junkie. I am going to go crazy if i don't buy/make some new clothing!
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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6:07 pm
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Rum Balls
Delicious Dessert Recipes
Rum balls used to be more common during the holidays. Some recipes are very complicated and expensive. This recipe is pretty simply. It is time consuming. And it is alcoholic - please tell people ahead so they can pass if they choose. <---you would think the name would give them SOME hint
RUM BALLS
4 cups graham crackercrmbs 1 cup cocoa 3 cups finely chopped walnuts honey 1 cup rum 1/2 cup bourbon powdered sugar
Use honey to get the sweetness you want, and use rum to get the consistency you want.
Roll into smallish balls - they're very rich, so small will be appreciated. Roll in powdered sugar. Place into a cleaned airtight container for months. When you take them out to serve, they will not be ball shaped any more, so re-roll them.
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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6:19 pm
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I have been so deluded. I don't know what I prefer... knowing the painful truth or being semi-oblivious to it.
All I can think about is my boy. I love him more and more. He's so special. I wish I were special.
I used to think I was. Not special in the way Ben is special (intelligent, cute, funny), just special in the way I repelled people due to my plain idiocy and unusual, unsettling, mannerisms and behaviour.
It is quite possible that people have already dropped out of our corse. If I fail a class and get mediocre marks for all the others perhaps I will quit to. It’s not the heavy workload that bothers me. But investing so much time in graphic design if I have little talent or potential is pretty useless. I will see what happens.
Tonight I am treating myself to a night of NO homework. I feel so burnt out from the past two days I need to recover.
I am going to do unproductive superficial things like watch TV, LOTS of bad TV! It will be so marvellous!
Perhaps I will go on msn, just to see who’s on. I probably wont talk to anyone; otherwise I will run the risk of boring them shitless.
Everyone elses world seems to involve having a life and socialising. Mabye I havent changed as much as I thought.
current mood: No thanks
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